Emotional Regulation & Self-Care: A Neurodiverse Perspective

We all have days when everything feels overwhelming—a long to-do list, unexpected challenges, or social obligations that pile up until it’s hard to breathe. For many, this feeling is temporary, something that can be managed with a walk, a deep breath, or a good night’s sleep.

 

However, for neurodiverse individuals, emotional regulation often requires more than a quick reset. What a neurotypical person might describe as stress or mild anxiety can, for someone who is neurodiverse, feel like a wave that knocks them off balance. The challenge isn’t just about handling emotions, but also about recognizing and naming them—a process that can be uniquely complex when alexithymia is part of the equation.

 

The Overwhelming Moment: A Tale of Two Experiences

 

Picture this: A neurotypical person has a rough day at work. They’re late for an important meeting, the presentation doesn’t go as planned, and they receive critical feedback. They feel stressed, anxious, and perhaps a bit frustrated. The evening is spent unwinding—a jog, a favourite TV show, or a chat with a friend might do the trick.

 

Now imagine the same situation for a neurodiverse individual. The same events unfold, but instead of a clear feeling of stress or anxiety, there’s a muddle of emotions that don’t quite make sense. The body might feel tense, and thoughts might be racing, but pinning down exactly what they’re feeling seems impossible. This is the challenge of alexithymia—a difficulty in identifying and articulating emotions—which many neurodiverse people experience.

 

For the neurodiverse, emotions can be all-encompassing, nameless sensations that linger long after the day has ended. It’s not just about processing the events; it’s about decoding the emotional response.

 

Understanding Emotional Regulation

 

Emotional regulation is about recognizing, understanding, and managing emotions effectively. For neurotypical individuals, this might involve identifying emotions quickly and responding accordingly—reaching out for support, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in an activity that brings joy.

 

For neurodiverse individuals, emotional regulation can feel more like an intricate puzzle. It requires learning to identify emotions that may not come with clear labels, and often involves seeking tools that are unique to their sensory and cognitive needs. Traditional advice like “take a deep breath” might not be enough; emotional regulation might require grounding techniques, sensory-friendly environments, or specific routines.

 

The Role of Self-Awareness in Self-Care

 

Self-awareness is a foundational part of self-care, especially for neurodiverse individuals. It’s about knowing what triggers you, recognizing when your energy is depleting, and being proactive in managing those moments before they lead to burnout. Routines are not just about predictability—they are about recognizing when your emotional “tank” is running on fumes and having a plan to refuel.

 

Building routines helps to prevent overwhelm, but it starts with knowing when you’re nearing your limits. This might mean scheduling regular breaks, even if you don’t think you need them, or setting boundaries around work and social commitments to avoid emotional overload.

 

Creating Sensory-Friendly Spaces with a Sensory Kit

 

Sensory overload is a significant challenge for many neurodiverse individuals. Creating a sensory-friendly environment isn’t always possible, which is why having a sensory kit can be a game-changer. A sensory kit is a portable toolbox that contains small items to help regulate emotions when environments become overwhelming.

 

• Scent: Carry a small vial of a scent that teleports you to a calm or happy place—it might be lavender, a specific perfume, or an essential oil that reminds you of home.
• Sound: Replace traditional ringtones with a song that soothes you. It’s surprising how much difference a calming sound can make in a moment of stress.
• Touch: Include a textured object like a stress ball, a fidget toy, or a piece of fabric that grounds you when anxiety rises.

 

Grounding Techniques: The 3-3-3 Exercise

 

Grounding is about reconnecting with the present moment, and the 3-3-3 technique is a simple yet powerful way to do just that. It involves focusing on three things you can see, three things you can touch, and three things you can hear. This technique brings your awareness back to the physical world, helping to untangle the web of thoughts that often spiral out of control during emotional overwhelm.

 

Setting Boundaries: Saying “No” Isn’t Easy

 

For neurotypical individuals, saying “no” can be a challenge—it’s about navigating social expectations and the fear of letting others down. For neurodiverse people, the difficulty can be magnified. Saying “no” isn’t just about disappointing someone; it can feel like rejecting a chance to conform or meet expectations that seem so effortless for others.

 

I’ve learned that saying “no” is a crucial part of self-care, but it’s not always easy. It’s about accepting that your limits are valid and that taking care of yourself might mean opting out, even if it feels uncomfortable. For neurodiverse individuals who rely heavily on routines and rituals, breaking away from “shoulds” can be consuming—but it’s often necessary.

 

Routines and Rituals: When They Work and When They Don’t

 

For many neurodiverse individuals, routines and rituals are lifesavers. They provide structure in an often chaotic world and can be a source of comfort when everything else feels uncertain. But what happens when routines don’t work?

 

When a routine that usually calms you no longer has the same effect, it can feel disorienting and consuming. The safety net you rely on feels like it’s vanished, and the familiar world seems unfamiliar. I’ve found that having backup routines, or being flexible enough to shift gears, is essential. It’s not about giving up on routines—it’s about adapting them to fit the moment.

 

Self-Care Is Not One-Size-Fits-All

 

It’s important to remember that self-care looks different for everyone, especially within the neurodiverse community. What calms one person might trigger another. It’s about discovering what works, without judgment or comparison. A weighted blanket might be soothing for some, while others find comfort in a fast-paced video game or a quiet walk in nature.

 

Emotional Regulation: Tools and Practices

 

Effective emotional regulation isn’t about achieving a permanent state of calm—it’s about knowing what tools to use when the waves come. Here are a few practices that I’ve found valuable:

 

• Mindfulness and Breathwork Practicing mindfulness can help in identifying emotional triggers before they become overwhelming. Even a simple deep breathing exercise—like inhaling for four counts, holding for seven, and exhaling for eight—can bring clarity to a muddled mind.
• Cognitive Behavioral Techniques (CBT) For some, reframing thoughts using CBT techniques can help in managing emotions. It’s about challenging irrational thoughts and replacing them with more balanced perspectives. This can be particularly useful when emotions are intense but not clearly defined.
• Body Awareness and Movement Emotions aren’t just in the mind—they’re stored in the body. Gentle movement like stretching, yoga, or even pacing can help release pent-up energy and bring clarity to emotions.
  Embrace the Journey, Not Perfection

 

Emotional regulation and self-care are not destinations; they’re ongoing journeys. For neurodiverse individuals, this journey might require more creativity, more patience, and more self-compassion. It’s about embracing who you are and finding tools that make sense for you—whether that’s a perfectly crafted routine or a moment of spontaneity.

 

Let’s normalize the idea that emotional regulation looks different for everyone and that self-care isn’t just bubble baths and candles. It’s whatever brings you back to yourself, in a way that feels right for you.